In March 2021, Kevin Wayne VanLuven, a 59-year-old home inspector from Clarkston, was inspecting a home in Oxford Township when he decided the job wasn’t stimulating enough. While roaming through the house, he wandered into the nursery and, well, let’s just say things went downhill fast.
The homeowners had left, but a nanny cam was watching. The camera caught VanLuven picking up their toddler’s Tickle Me Elmo doll and, instead of inspecting anything electrical, he went full freak show. The footage shows him taking it to the closet where their kid’s clothes were hanging and pleasuring himself with Elmo like it was the last toy on Earth, then casually putting it back like he was restocking a shelf at Toys “R” Us.
The homeowner got an alert on her phone, checked the camera, and couldn’t believe her eyes. She started recording, ensuring VanLuven’s 15 minutes of fame. When he was later questioned by the coppers, he tried to play it off, claiming he was “just moving the doll to check an outlet.” Yeah, sure, Kevin because that requires stimulating your balls to the vibration of Elmo’s giggles. (Just assuming.)
When confronted with the footage, VanLuven caved, muttered a half-assed apology, and prayed to every god that Elmo didn’t lawyer up and charge him civilly, as well, like that one chick did with Donald Trump.
It didn’t take the jury long to convict him. After a one-day trial, VanLuven was found guilty of aggravated indecent exposure. He dodged a destruction of property charge, however, because there was no DNA found on Elmo, so it remains unclear if he jizzed on Elmo, or in Elmo, or if he even got off at all. Charges are still pending in Sesame Street Land.
What punishment could top being forever known as the guy who jacked-off on Elmo? Surely not the measly 18 months of probation he got for violating the poor, little dude. All of Sesame Street is now traumatized. Big Bird is chain-smoking, Cookie Monster’s stress-eating, Snuffaluffagus is snorting Xanax, Grover’s back on the meth, Oscar’s wondering why he’s called the grouch, and Elmo hasn’t giggled since. And whatever you do, don’t try to tickle him now, it only triggers his PTSD.
PRO TIP: if your home inspector gives off the vibe of a guy who watches weird internet videos in his van down by the river, maybe skip that bargain rate. Elmo’s been through enough. And spare Mr. Potato Head and the other toys the trauma.
—VA
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