While Donald Trump fantasizes about wrapping his claws around Canada and making it our 51st state, the Great White North is turning its attention to its own juicy prize: California, Oregon, and Washington. That’s right, the West Coast—the land of weed, wine, and tech billions—might just slip out of Uncle Sam’s greasy fingers and cozy up with a more polite sugar daddy. But why would these states even consider it? Because Canada has more to offer them than America does Canada.
First off, healthcare. Canada ain’t perfect, but it’s got something America’s been fumbling with for decades—a healthcare system that doesn’t bankrupt you for spraining your damn ankle. Imagine: Californians getting Ozempic without maxing out their credit cards, Oregonians fixing broken bones without GoFundMe campaigns, and Washingtonians not living in fear of a hospital bill bigger than their rent. Hell, a Kardashian might even date a Maple Leaf just to stay relevant.
But this isn’t just about free doctor visits and cheap prescriptions. No, this is about power. Strategic, economic, cultural power. You take California, the 5th largest economy in the world—bigger than most countries, including Canada—and slap a maple leaf on it, and suddenly, Canada’s not just the polite neighbor to the north; it’s the heavyweight champion of the Pacific Rim. And let’s not forget Silicon Valley, the global center of tech, where billionaires play God with artificial intelligence. Canada could take that innovation and sprinkle in a little of their socialist magic—imagine Google, but with free universal Wi-Fi for everyone.
And what about Oregon and Washington? These states are like the brainy, artsy kids who hang out with California because it makes them cooler. Oregon’s got craft beer, legal weed, and more trees than humans. Washington’s got Amazon, Starbucks, and more rain than a sad indie film. Together, they form the crunchy, green, liberal spine of the U.S.—a perfect match for Canada’s granola heart.
Now, let’s talk strategy. If Canada snags the entire Pacific Coast, it’s game over for America’s westward dreams. Canada would own the ports, the trade routes, the cultural clout. Vancouver to San Diego would become the new axis of awesome. Forget “Make America Great Again”; Canada just made itself unstoppable. And for the West Coast, it’s not a hard sell. These states already act like they’re too cool for the rest of the country. They’ve got legalized weed, progressive politics, and a disdain for middle-American mediocrity that would make even a Canadian smirk.
Of course, there’d be hurdles. Washington, D.C. wouldn’t let this happen without a fight. All the MAGA folks who have hated-on these states and wanted them gone for the past ten years would suddenly cry foul. They’d scream “treason!” while clutching their pearls. But let’s be honest: the Northeast and the West Coast have been carrying this country on their backs for years. The rest of the U.S. could use a little humbling. Maybe they’d finally realize that prayer and corn subsidies don’t fix crumbling bridges and student debt.
And you know what? Canada might just be the soft, maple-syrup-coated landing that California, Oregon, and Washington need. No more Supreme Court showdowns over women’s rights—abortion is legal in Canada—no more school shootings as a weekly news cycle. Just healthcare, hockey, and a whole lot of poutine.
So, MAGA extremists, keep your Confederate flags and conspiracy theories. The West Coast is ready to move out. While you’re busy burning books and worshipping billionaires who wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire, California, Oregon, and Washington will be thriving under a new banner. You’ll still be stuck fighting over gas stoves and pronouns while they’re sipping BC wine, enjoying universal healthcare, and leading the world in innovation. And when you look west and see nothing but a border, remember: you drove them away.
—P.
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