Former House Representative Matt Gaetz, the human embodiment of every bad decision Florida has ever made, slithered onto TV screens last night with the debut of his new vanity project masquerading as a TV show. Fresh off a disgraceful exit from politics and a brief stint as Trump’s Attorney General pick—which ended when the House Ethics Committee determined his extracurricular activities with the underage girls and nose candy weren’t quite the résumé booster he thought they were—Gaetz is now a TV personality on the OAN network. Because why not? America loves a fucking sideshow.
The premiere of Gaetz of Hell— just kidding, it’s called “The Matt Gaetz Show” (how creative)—opened with everyone watching wondering what the fuck was wrong with his face. “Oh no, did someone punch him in the face?” I heard a woman ask from the back of the American Legion where I was enjoying the $9.99 All-I-Can-Eat “Patriot Pasta”. But no, turns out it was just a whole lot of makeup and Botox. Not to mention, a whole lot of forehead. What followed was likely an hourlong ego massage and hand release with Gaetz spouting recycled MAGA talking points with the kind of bravado only a man who’s delusional enough to think he’s a real TV host can muster. Even the Trump-cocksucking bartender couldn’t stand to watch this trainwreck so he quickly turned it back to Epic Fails on theCHIVE, perhaps to avoid embarrassing the GOP.
All that said, who the fuck cares. I’m not here to promote his stupid show. If you want to learn more about it or watch it, Google it. Judging from the first five seconds I’m sure it’s doomed to tank just like his career because he’s a fucking chomo and even the most conservative of Conservatives obviously can’t stand to look at him or listen to him for more than 30 seconds.
—P
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