(WALL STREET) — In a surprising twist of American ingenuity, the coat hanger industry is experiencing a golden age. Sales of the humble wire hanger continued to skyrocket in 2024, reaching the highest level in history and making it the unlikely economic hero in the wake of the Supreme Court’s 2022 decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Analysts are calling this trend “a triumph of market adaptation,” while critics are left shaking their heads—and their fists.
“We’re just trying to keep up with demand,” said Larry Bent, CEO of Hooked Inc., one of the nation’s largest coat hanger manufacturers. “Our stock price has tripled since last year. Who knew coat hangers would be this controversial?” Bent paused to sip from his “Pro-Life, Pro-Profit” coffee mug.
Retailers are also reaping the benefits. Home goods stores, typically sleepy bastions of placemats and curtain rods, are now the epicenter of frenzied shopping sprees. “Customers are buying hangers in bulk,” said Sheila Rack, manager of the Hanger Emporium in Topeka, Kansas. “One woman told me she needed them for a ‘DIY project,’ then winked so hard I thought she was having a seizure.”
The boom has not gone unnoticed by the political class. Representative Prudence “Prudy” Crowe (R-AL) introduced a bill titled the Wire Safety Act to regulate the sale of coat hangers, requiring medical- and background checks and a mandatory three-month waiting period. Predictably, the bill has been met with staunch opposition.
“We cannot let Conservatives interfere with women’s right to hang coats—or anything else, for that matter,” declared Senator Chuck Wokehartt (D-NY). “This is about freedom, plain and simple.” Wokehartt then brandished a golden hanger from the podium, calling it “the symbol of American resilience.”
Meanwhile, in a bold marketing move, luxury brands are entering the fray. French fashion house Haute Crook unveiled its $1,200 diamond-encrusted “Liberté Hanger.” A spokesperson described the item as “a chic statement piece for the discerning, autonomy-conscious woman.” Sales have reportedly been brisk.
Grassroots organizations are springing up to combat the hanger crisis. In Portland, Oregon, activists launched the “Hangers Off Our Bodies” campaign, staging protests outside dry cleaners and storming the coat check at the Metropolitan Opera. One organizer, clad in a crocheted uterus costume, told reporters, “This isn’t just about hangers. This is about human dignity—and not getting stabbed in the spleen by outdated policies.”
Social media, as always, has been ablaze. TikTok challenges like #HangerHack and #DIYFreedom are racking up millions of views. Meanwhile, Etsy crafters are cashing in by selling artisanal, ethically-sourced hangers that promise to “bring dignity back to desperation.”
As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: America’s coat hanger renaissance is a symptom of deeper societal fractures. But for now, Larry Bent and his wire-wielding compatriots are laughing all the way to the bank.
“Some people see this as a tragedy,” Bent said with a shrug. “I see it as a business opportunity. After all, necessity is the mother of invention. And inventions are created at conception.”
—VA
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