In a yuletide tale that’s one part sacrilege and two parts slapstick, Thomas Campbell Bolling Von Goetz, 56, of Avenue, Maryland, took the spirit of giving a little too far—right into the holy water. (No, he didn’t piss in it—THAT would have been even more hilarious!) Von Goetz, whose name sounds like he wandered out of a Dickens novel, made not one but two guest appearances at local Christmas Eve Masses, turning peace on Earth into an unholy circus.
First stop: Holy Angels Catholic Church. With the subtlety of a drunk uncle at a wedding, Von Goetz strolled down the aisle during the 5 p.m. service and dropped an onion in front of the altar. Yes, an onion. Perhaps he was reenacting the parable of the tears, or maybe he thought the church potluck was BYO-produce. Parishioners were baffled, but the show didn’t end there.
On his way out, Von Goetz escalated the culinary chaos by pelting a bystander with tangerines. A witness, apparently more concerned about citrus assault than their own Christmas cheer, followed him to make sure he left the premises.
But Von Goetz wasn’t done decking the halls—or desecrating them. Just a few hours later, he crashed Midnight Mass at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. This time, he brought whiskey. Not as a gift for the Three Wise Men, mind you, but to pour into the holy water font, like some sacramental mixologist gone rogue. As if boozy baptisms weren’t enough, he threw in a few threats to parishioners, really committing to the role of holiday villain.
Authorities eventually subdued Von Goetz, who is now enjoying some post-Christmas R&R at St. Mary’s County Detention and Rehabilitation Center. No word yet on whether he’s planning an Easter sequel, but rest assured, he’s on the naughty list for the foreseeable future.
—P.
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