Beneath the Laurels: The Naked (and Very Gay) Truth Behind the Olympics

In the grand tapestry of history, few threads are as richly colored and as darkly shaded as the tale of the ancient Olympics. One might imagine the Games as a celebration of human prowess, a noble display of athleticism and harmony. Yet, as we peel back the layers of time, we find that beneath this radiant veneer lies a narrative steeped in religious ritual, political machination, and, inevitably, the peculiar mores of an ancient society.

Picture, if you will, ancient Greece, that cradle of civilization where democracy was born and philosophy flourished. The year is 776 BCE, and in the verdant expanse of Olympia, a grand spectacle is about to unfold. The Olympic Games are not merely contests of strength and skill but are deeply entwined with the divine. Here, the mighty Zeus reigns supreme, and his favor is sought through elaborate rituals. Cattle and sheep are led to the altar, their blood spilling onto the earth, a macabre offering to the king of the gods. This was the price of divine favor, and it was not merely a ceremonial gesture but a reflection of the era’s belief that the gods’ whims controlled the fates of mortals. This was long before Jesus was invented.

But let us not be misled by the notion of divine benevolence. The Games were as much a stage for political theater as they were for athletic triumph. The so-called Olympic truce, designed to suspend hostilities between warring city-states, was often little more than a convenient façade. The truce allowed warriors to participate or attend without fear of ambush, but beneath this veneer of peace, the rivalries simmered and sometimes erupted with even greater ferocity once the Games concluded. Some things never change.

And then there was the matter of those who competed—the athletes. They were paragons of physical perfection, their bodies honed by relentless training. They competed in the nude, a practice that reflected not just a celebration of the human form but also a society deeply invested in the aesthetics of masculinity. Yet, their private lives were as public as their feats of strength. In the sun-drenched arenas of Olympia, pederasty was not only accepted but institutionalized. The relationship between the adult male and the adolescent boy, which might shock the modern sensibility, was woven into the very fabric of Greek society. This was not merely a private affair but a practice that permeated the social and educational systems. And it’s why anal sex is now often referred to as “Greek”.

Imagine the athletes of Olympia, their bodies glistening with oil and dust, their performances a testament to their rigorous training and their intimate relationships a well-known fact of their personal lives. They were not isolated from the norms of their time. The very nature of their success and their public adulation were intimately connected to the cultural acceptance of these relationships. The Olympic Games were, in this respect, not a mere celebration of physical prowess but also a reflection of the societal mores that shaped their world. It was like the Woodstock of Pederasty.

Yet, while these athletic exhibitions were celebrated, there was a stark and cruel exclusion operating behind the scenes. Women, that half of humanity, were forbidden from participating in or even witnessing the Games. The thought of women, with their supposed fragility and unseemly curiosity, tainting the purity of the athletic spectacle was simply unacceptable. They were confined to their own separate arenas, such as the Heraean Games, which, though held in honor of the goddess Hera, were a mere shadow of the grand Olympian events. In the modern day, men still gather together without women to watch sports. Hmmm…

The interplay of social norms and religious rituals, the political manipulations, and the cultural practices reveal a society whose public spectacles were deeply interwoven with its private and political life. The Games were not only about honoring the gods or showcasing athletic skill but also about affirming and perpetuating the values and hierarchies of the time. And perhaps banging young boys without their mothers around.

As we consider the legacy of these ancient practices, it is worth reflecting on how they cast a long shadow over the modern world. The revival of the Olympics in 1896 by Pierre de Coubertin was an attempt to reclaim and reinterpret this ancient tradition. Yet, even in our contemporary era, the Games have grappled with issues of inclusion and representation, echoing the complexities and contradictions of their ancient origins. Not to mention doping, chicks with dicks, guys with tits and more…

The ancient Olympics, with their heady mix of divine reverence, political theater, and societal norms, remind us that history is never as straightforward as it may seem. The Games, in their inception, were not only a celebration of human physicality but also a reflection of the darker and more complex aspects of the society from which they emerged. And so, whether we revel in the modern Olympics, or criticize it, we would do well to remember the ancient roots from which this grand tradition springs, acknowledging both the grandeur and the shadows of its past.

Bottom line, at its core, the entire Olympic ritual is based in total idolatry and gayness. If that bothers you, go chill with your bros, drink some beers and watch men in tights bend over and dance around the football field trying to “score”.

But then again, perhaps most sports are.

—PP

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