Five Signs You’re a Beast in Bed

Wondering if you’re good in bed? Well, you’re about to find out because we found this old post from June 2016 on the Nairaland Nigerian forum by a fella named “Bigmillz” and it seems he’s quite “the playa” and knows a thing or five about making the sweet love. What were we doing on the Nigerian forum? What, you got a big nose? Mind your fucking business...

Being gifted in coital arts can be a really important element of your life. It boosts your confidence and keeps you happy all the time. The fact that you are good at “The Art Of Lovemaking” is a great achievement by itself because that’s not a skill many people are lucky to have. Trying to figure out whether you are good in bed can be tricky. Most partners won’t tell you if you are horrible. They’ll just dump you, cheat on you or avoid having sex with you. Sometimes the best you can do is hope that you are at least better than average.

Don’t worry though, Bigmillz always tells it like it is. Here are the signs you can try out a career as a porn star if you ever lose your job.

Your Exes keep coming back and your one-night stands get attached

You meet someone in the club or online, you agree to have a one-time sexcapade with them but the next day, your accomplice in bedroom warfare starts calling you and filling your WhatsApp with meaningless texts. They miss you… This is a sign you did a good job. Your exes also tend to go away then they get partners who are poor in bed, then they come back to woo you again, begging. Wonder why? It’s because what you gave them was so good.

Bigmillz puts the mack on

Your partners are always wanting a couple of rounds in bed

You just finished the first round but after a few minutes your partner wants more. You are tired but she wants you to bury your penis in her again. This may mean that you are doing it so good that they want you to keep it coming. No one wants good things to stop. But if your partner rushes to pick up their clothes immediately and says they have an urgent thing to do, then the ‘meal’ was probably not good to begin with.

Your partners are always in an excellent mood after lungula

If your partners are always sulking or frowning after a sex session, then you probably suck in bed. Did they also give you plenty of instructions? Something like “Oh, baby. Right there. No wait. There. No. Over there.” Your technique needs some serious work if you are the kind that makes your bae act like an air traffic controller or a Kindergarten Teacher, you need to improve. Beasts don’t need instructions. But if your partners always seem so happy after every encounter, then you are the don yoh. Or for the ladies, you are the angel yoh.

Your partner makes a lot of bodily movements during sex

I am not talking about those silly chicks who keep travelling all over the bed like they are David Livingstone exploring Africa. I am talking about cool bodily movements. I am talking about eye rolling shaking and wriggling around like a fish out of water. They are not just stagnant. A physical sign that your partner is in complete ecstasy is if they’re clenching their hands and feet. When you see your bae doing this, take it a sign they are holding on for dear life because the pleasure is killing them. What you’re doing might be a little too good.

You are not afraid of sexual topics

You are not the kind of person who cringes when you see ‘Bigmillz’s Tales’ or articles such as this one. You actually love them because they help you improve your game. You are also not afraid of discussing sex issues with your friends and sexting with someone you like. Most people who pretend to be holy or too decent to read or watch anything sexual are awful in bed because they have no skills. They have never bothered to learn. They think sex is just about the insertion of a penis into a vagina.

All good things in life take work. Just like you need to hit the gym if you need to get a six pack and you need to study to pass exams, you also need to work at sex if you want to be a beast in bed.

—Bigmillz

Featured Art: Jean-Yves Mitton

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