So you’re fat and ugly (or you’re an introvert with libido-crippling social anxiety), and you’re tired of watching porn and jerking off and want to fuck some good, ol’ pussy for a change instead of that worn-out stroker you bought off ScrewVideo.com. Well, you’re in luck because SCREW is here to help you get your dick wet with six, time-tested techniques proven to generate near-instant gratification. Keep in mind, most if not all of these will cost you some coin, but fugly as you are, you expected that:
Hire an Escort.
Well, duh, that’s the most obvious one, right? It is, and it’s also the fastest way to get laid. Unfortunately, hiring an escort (or a “hooker” as we like to call them here) isn’t as easy as it used to be as the days of picking up a whore on the street corner are long gone (DON’T EVER try to do it) and Backpage was shut down by the FBI in 2018, eliminating what was once the “DoorDash of Pussy”. Since then, a host of knock-off sites (like ListCrawler) have appeared, but alas, LEO (code word for “Law Enforcement Officers”) are always one step ahead of you. So Beware! As an alternative, we suggest joining a reputable forum like USA SexGuide where actual “hobbyists” discuss and share local escort reviews and can offer recommendations and referrals to help you find what you’re looking for.
Be sure to use care in selecting escorts to make sure that 1) they are indeed of legal age and 2) they’re not being trafficked against their will by pimps or drug dealers. A site like USA SexGuide makes that easier as most of the people in the individual forums know each other and most of the girls are indeed independents, enthusiasts themselves and/or single mothers looking to earn some extra cash.
Be a Sugar Daddy.
It’s not as complicated, nor as expensive as it sounds. Sites like SeekingArrangement.com and SugarDaddyMeet.com are bulging at the seams with beautiful women looking for “sugar daddies” — or so they claim. In reality, most of them are drug addicts and whores just looking to make some quick cash. It becomes evident as soon as you create a profile. Trust me, create a free profile and within just MINUTES you’ll have more girls reaching out to you than you can afford. Find some local ones, maybe meet them first (just to make sure they are who they say they are) and you’ll be on your way to fucking hot, mostly younger women, in no time — and often for the fraction of the cost of a professional escort! You’ll be surprised what some of these girls will do just to get their phone bill paid.
Swipe Right.
Don’t laugh, but there’s plenty of pussy-on-demand (POD) to be found on dating apps. Tinder, especially. The easiest way is to bump yourself up to the Premium package and swipe on all of them. The younger you go, the easier it becomes to find girls looking to get paid for sex. The best part is, they’re not looking for dates, they just want MONEY. You’ll know you’ve hit paydirt when you get that “Hey” from some girl half your age. Be careful of scams. And NEVER send anyone money until they’re right in front of you. Bumble is another good one, but not as fruitful as Tinder, which seems to be the go-to for most whores in most areas. And if you’re really in a hurry and don’t care WHO sucks your dick, or what HOLE you fuck, Grindr is a great place to find a pretty trans girl or twink often ready-to-go.
Swing, Baby!
In most major cities across the nation there are sex clubs, fetish clubs and swingers’ bars to be found. The best place to start looking for those is with a simple Google search of “sex clubs near me” and so on. You might be surprised to find there are more than you think. Most require a membership, but for many that can be done online rather quickly. You might have to frequent a club or bar and get to know some people before you actually see any action, but there can still be plenty of thrill to be had in watching some others get down in real life in the meantime.
Rub a Dub Dub.
Massage parlors are good for more than the ol’ rub and tug. Some are “full service”. The ones that offer a shower before the massage are even better. Seriously, what’s better than having a beautiful Asian girl wash you down, then massage you before stroking you, or even better, sucking you off or riding your dick? For even greater action, find a massage parlor that offers TWO girl massage. It’s well worth the extra.
Be careful though, LEO are on to many of the parlors, too. The best place to find a sucky fucky massage parlor near you, once again, is USA SexGuide.
Social Media
This kind of goes back to hookers (above) in many ways but also deserves its own place on our list as well. (I mean, let’s face it, technically most of this list is about hookers.) Facebook and X (formerly known as Twitter) are great places to find and meet available women looking for sex. They’re easy to navigate and make “meeting” people much easier for even the most introverted. Facebook especially! The bonus is that not all women are looking for money for sex, some of them are just as lonely, introverted, fucked up and/or ugly as you!
We suggest trolling the friend lists of your existing Facebook friends to find local, single women you might like, then “friend” them yourself. By having a mutual friend in common, you’re already a foot in the door. Follow that up by sliding into their DMs with a simple, polite (and non-threatening) introductory message like, “Hi, nice to meet you!”. Then see where it goes from there. If they don’t respond, move on. Don’t be a dick, don’t be THAT GUY and pester them, lest screenshots of your DMs appear on their Facebook feed showing the entire world what a loser you are. Do this enough and you’re bound to find a few that “click”.
Twitter — I mean, X — and Instagram can be used the same way, however, finding local people can be a bit more difficult. Either way, they’re all good for opening up conversations when you’re not the conversational type. Oh, and there’s always Snapchat, too.
Beware.
Whatever you do, always be safe. Remember that what you see isn’t always what you get and there’s always the chance of getting robbed or beat up or worse (like getting arrested). Always tell someone where you’re going (if you can). Use a condom. Leave your money and credit cards in the car or somewhere safe. Take only what you need. Be sure to check hotel rooms for uninvited guests in bathrooms, showers, behind curtains and under beds. And if worse comes to worse, SCREAM LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER if you’re getting robbed or jacked. Better to get arrested for being a john than it is to get DEAD.
—TV
Featured Art: “Females” (1960) by South African artist Walter Battiss (1906-1982).
Contributor
Tony thinks his shit don’t stink. He acts like he’s rich and thinks he’s a gigolo, but he’s actually broke and a total loser. He writes articles for SCREW in exchange for the fancy byline and dinners and drinks and whatever other free shit we get.
