How to Speak Modern Retard

No, I’m not here to make fun of the “mentally challenged” and if you associate the word “retarded” with people who have mental disabilities, then shame on YOU, how dare you. You know exactly what I mean when I say “retarded”, don’t act like you don’t know or you never used the term yourself to describe something (or someone) totally fucking stupid.

No, I’m here to call your attention to a handful of terms that are just that — fucking retarded — because they’re overrated and overused by younger generations (mainly Millennials and Gen Z) who think they’re hipper and cooler than the rest of us and downright abusive to the beautiful language we in America have worked so hard to make our own. Now I’m not talking about the “u’s” and “ur’s” that already butcher our language enough for brevity’s sake. I’m talking about stupid made-up terms that are redundantly stupid. (l said it like that on-purpose.) Perhaps you’ve seen some of these terms on the Internets, specifically social media, or come across them when shopping for younger women on the sugar daddy sites.

Whatever the case, knowing these fucking retarded terms and what they mean will help you better communicate with Millennials and Gen Z’ers, especially when you get older and Social Security runs out and you’re force to go back to work and one of these little bastards ends up being your new boss. Or maybe one day you’re on an airplane ready to crash and an older flight attendant may be unable to communicate with some Gen Z’ers and, like Barbara Billingsley in Airplane!, you can say, “Oh Stewardess, I speak Z-Tard” …and save the day!



“Mood”

God, I already want to throw up in my mouth. (Mood.) Calling something a “mood” means it matches exactly how you feel right now. (Thus, wanting to throw up in my mouth.) Gen Z uses it a lot, for just about anything, like commenting on a photo of an angry person when they themselves feel angry, or a sad person when they themselves feel sad, rather than saying, “I feel angry” or “I feel sad” which makes more fucking sense.

“Sus”

If someone or something is “sus”, it just doesn’t seem right, or it just doesn’t add up. For instance, using the word “sus” instead of “suspicious” makes me sus of whether or not Gen Z actually knows how to spell the word “suspicious” which is actually what it’s short for. Another good example might be creeping for college chicks on Seeking Arrangement and telling them you want to “mentor” them — that’s “sus” as fuck, or in normal English, suspicious as fuck, so don’t do it.

“I’m Dead”

When someone says “I’m dead” they’re not actually dead (obviously) but rather, something was extremely funny or shocking to them. It’s kind of like the new generations’ version of “you kill me” when someone of previous generations actually did say funny things. Newer generations never really say anything funny, because obviously a lot of the shit that comes out their mouths is fucking retarded so most of their jokes are in fact, dead.

“Savage”

Don’t let “savage” confuse you. What was once a term we used to describe flaming homos has evolved into a term for someone you don’t want to get on the wrong side of. (Not in that way, you perv.) If someone is “savage”, they are very blunt, they don’t mince their words and/or they’re brutally honest. To be brutally honest, however, it still sounds pretty fucking gay to me.

“Bussin'”

If something is really good, Gen Z likes to call it “bussin'”. Why? Who the fuck knows. Someone once posted the word in a comment on a TikTok video about bell pepper sandwiches and next thing you know, “erbody” be “bussin'”.

“Gucci”

“Gucci” also means “great”. Rather than just say “great”, they say “Gucci” because, oh, I don’t know, it sounds like a more high-quality version of “great” as if “great” isn’t great enough or perhaps even greater than “bussin'”. That’s the trouble with the kids these days, nothing is ever good enough, let alone great. (Just kidding, I just wanted to sound real old for a second.) Truth is only poor people say something is “Gucci” because rich people know Gucci ain’t really all that anymore. I’m just glad they didn’t choose “Hilfiger” or “Polo”, but if I could make a suggestion, “Givenchy” (“jee-von-shay”) would “hit” better. Speaking of hitting…

“Hits Different”

When Gen Z says something “hits different” it means it stands out in a good way. For instance, as above, “Givenchy” in my opinion hits different than “Gucci” but then who am I to say because I’m not fucking retarded. Bottom line, if something “hits different” it impresses them more than something that’s just blah or ordinary.

“Vibing”

They ripped this one off from us cool people. Millennials and Gen Z like to act like they invented “vibing” yet it’s something Gen X inherited from our pot-smoking, hippie elders. “Vibing” means you’re happy and content and connected with your surroundings and the people around you. For us, it was something spiritual and transcending, for them, it’s just fucking gay and poser-ish, trying to act like they’re cool as if they were the first generation to discover peace and love and shrooms and LSD and Led Zeppelin.

“Slay”

Leave it to Millennials and Gen Z to “gay up” a beautiful word like “slay” which actually means “to brutally murder someone” (i.e., O.J. slayed Nicole and Ron Goldman). But no, the rest of us can’t have nice things anymore and so they’ve put a pretty bow on “slay” and now it means to do something exceptionally well. “Oh, Taylor, you slayed that performance!” Eeek, cringe! No she didn’t, she killed it. Oh wait, you can’t say “killed it” because if she killed it, you’d be “dead” and therefore that would make it funny and not actually a great (“Gucci”) performance.

Ow, my brain.

“Hell’s Yeah”

I don’t know if anyone ever says “Hell’s Yeah” anymore. And I don’t really care. Of all the terms I see posted on social media, this is the one that makes me want to punch whoever says it right through the throat. In Millennials’ and Gen Z’s defense, however, I think it’s more often used by middle-aged women trying too hard to stand out and make friends online, most notably on Facebook.

I think all generations can agree it’s the most fucking retarded of all and has no place anywhere in our language. It makes no fucking sense. In fact, I don’t know if it’s supposed to be “Hells Yeah” (“Hells” pluralized) or “Hell’s Yeah” (“Hell’s” possessive) — because I’ve seen it written both ways — but either way, it’s just fucking DUMB.

For one, there’s only one Hell, unless you want to get technical and into some Old Testament shit where there’s like four Hells, but the people who say “Hells Yeah” obviously aren’t intellectuals, here. (They’re morons.)

And for two, “Hell’s Yeah” (in the possessive) denotes a “Yeah” belonging to Hell — as if Hell shouted out in accord — but alas, whatever soccer mom is “Hell’s Yeah-ing” it would never say anything so cool as to get Hell to affirm it. Though “Hell’s Yeah!” might make a great title for a Black Sabbath song, no one who ever used the term “Hell’s Yeah” is cool enough to even know who Black Sabbath is.



Finna.

Every good French or Italian movie ends with “Fin” or “Fine” (respectively) which means “The End”. And so, as I come to a close here, I just want to point out that the term “finna” has absolutely NOTHING to do with endings but rather something you’re about to do. See, somehow, somewhere, the word “gonna” (the informal contraction for “going to”, as in “I’m gonna end this post in about 147 words”) was hijacked, put into a food processor along with a can of alphabet soup, pureed, drank by some fucking moron, and then shit out as “finna”.

I’m finna end this now because I think you got the idea: that somehow going from “gonna” to “finna” is a perfect metaphor for just how fucked up our world is becoming, that if we continue to let these children butcher our language, in another twenty years they won’t know how to read anything we’ve written and all of the great Wisdom of the Ages will be lost forever.

These fucking retarded terms aren’t “cool” like “groovy” or “rad” or “Fuckin’ A!” but rather downright malicious attempts by the newer generations to steal our beautiful language out from under us and pervert it to the point WE don’t understand anything they’re saying so they can make US look like the fucking retards.

We must fight!

—P.

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