(VATICAN CITY) — To combat the rise in child sex abuse allegations against its priests, the Roman Catholic Church began issuing priests Neuralyzers last year. As a result, child sex abuse allegations have hit the lowest level in the church’s 2,000-year history.
The Neuralyzer is an electro bio-mechanical neural transmitting zero synapse repositioner with the ability to wipe the mind of children who see its flash via isolating and editing certain electronic impulses related to memory. Developed by the Vatican-funded Silicon Valley startup SODTEK, the Neuralyzer is based on technology first introduced in the 1997 film Men In Black. (And here you thought that was just the stuff of science fiction!)
Once victimized children are neuralyzed, they seem to enter a trance, freeze, and their eyes lose focus. The priests then make up a story to replace the victims’ erased memories, wiping clean any memories of what actually happened to them and virtually eliminating all possibility of future abuse allegations. Neuralyzers are now paramount to the Vatican’s operations and maintenance of secrecy.
SCREW reached out to both the Holy See and SODTEK for comment, but both declined. Later that day, two priests dressed in black showed up at our office to show us their Neuralyzers but we don’t remember anything after that.
Oh, and for some reason I’ve been shitting blood ever since.
—PP
Contributor
Not Phil Italiano.
