If you’re reading this, there’s a 3-to-1 chance you have balls. You see them every day. You touch them every day. And you probably play with them every day. (If not, we’re here to help you with that – buy a subscription.) But how much do you really know about your balls?
Here are thirteen things you probably didn’t know:
1. The word “avocado,” comes from the Aztec word for testicle. Mmmm, would you like some testicle toast for breakfast?
2. In the Middle Ages, men who wanted sons would sometimes have their left ball hacked off because it was believed that right testicles produced sons and left ones, daughters. Today, many Conservatives hack of their left testicles because they hate women …and the Left.
3. The word, “testicle,” is derived from the Latin word for, “witness” just like the word, “testimony”. In Biblical times, to swear a sacred oath, the swearer made his oath by holding on to the oath-giver’s testicles. In Genesis 24:2, Abraham orders his servant to grab his (Abraham’s) balls and do just that.
Also, in Roman times, men placed their right hands on their balls before giving testimony in court. (Imagine if we did that now!) The reason being, that having testicles made you WHOLE – as opposed to women and eunuchs who were not allowed to testify in court because they didn’t have balls and therefore, were not considered to be, “whole.” Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help your balls?
4. Balls can produce as much as 8 BILLION sperm every day – up to 1,500 per SECOND or more. The average male ejaculates between 2 and 5 milliliters (about one teaspoon) of semen per load. Each load can contain anywhere from 20 to 200 million sperm. That’s a whole lot of little Hulksters runnin’ wild in your scrotum.
5. In 16th century Europe, women weren’t allowed to sing in Roman Catholic church choirs, so the logical thing to do was to cut off young boys’ balls before they hit puberty and their voices got deeper in order to maintain their soprano. These poor kids were called, “castrati.” Today this is more easily accomplished by subjecting young boys to TV shows like Ru Paul’s Drag Race and Cake Boss at a very young age.
6. The word, “orchid,” comes from the Greek word, “orkhis,” which means testicle. And here I always thought orchids looked like pretty vaginas.
7. Balls can grow up to TWICE THEIR SIZE during sex. So next time you need “the balls” to do something, have some sex first.
8. Beaver testicle tea (a/k/a beaver testicle moonshine), was used as a contraceptive for Canadian women from the 1500s to 1700s. Ewww.
9. Testicles are held in an external sack because cooler temperatures promote better sperm production. The best sperm production occurs at about 93 degrees – 5- to 6 degrees below normal body temperature. If they get too cool, they’ll shrink and disappear back into the body until they warm back up to 93 degrees. Just ask George Costanza.
10. One testicle always hangs lower than the other – for most men it’s the left hanging lower than the right – being unsymmetrical makes them more compact so they take up less space between your legs. It sucks when they get in the way. Phew, glad this is normal.
11. The Vatican Museum contains a chair called the. “sedia strecoraria,” – a chair with a hole in the seat for the ball sack of the Pope to fall-through, so they can check and confirm every new Pope is indeed a man, and that he does indeed have both balls. Last thing they want is a one-balled Pope — he wouldn’t be “whole”.
12. The largest set of balls on record belonged to 49-year-old Wesley Warren. Before having corrective surgery, his balls weighed 140lbs. He died last year of a heart attack. And it’s no wonder, can you imagine carrying that rig around? When he jizzed, there was an EMS flood alert.
13. Finally, women will appreciate this one: terms like, “he/she’s got balls,” “show some balls,” and having, “brass balls,” have absolutely NOTHING to do with masculinity and EVERYTHING to do with the power of steam engines and locomotives.
Rather than give you an engineering lesson, just look up, “centrifugal governor,” on your own time. It’s also where the term “balls to the wall” came from. In the meantime, what about you, do you know any interesting ball facts you’d like to share with the rest of us? If so, comment below.
—SM
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