The first-ever criminal trial of a FORMER president began this week as FORMER President Donald Trump faces the music in Manhattan court for trying to cover up “hush money” payments he made to Stormy Daniels. According to reports from oh, every news source in the world, FORMER President Donald Trump has been falling asleep in court like a fucking loser after exhausting every attempt to delay the case or get it thrown out altogether.
Sucks to be him. Since his former lawyer Michael Cohen already did time for the same thing and since he (Trump) can’t keep his fucking trap shut and continues to talk shit despite a gag order, making a mockery of the court, insulting the judge and attacking witnesses (and even the judge’s daughter), it’s safe to assume that one way or another, whether it’s Contempt of Court or ultimately a guilty verdict, FORMER President Donald Trump is probably going to do some TIME.
And he knows it, too, because according to a guy we know who works with a guy who knows this other guy who put the the toilets in Mar-a-Lardo, Trump purportedly, recently purchased several products from ScrewVideo.com to begin preparing for prison life. He bought the 12″ Black Thunder R5 Realistic Cock to practice sucking big, black cocks along with the Colt Anal Trainer Kit to begin stretching his asshole to get butt-fucked by Bubba and friends.
The 12″ Black Thunder R5 Realistic Cock was cast directly from porn star Black Thunder’s erect cock and full balls, then molded and sculpted by hand to capture every small detail, every pulsating vein, and every hard inch of his uniquely curved cock. Black Thunder hopes you will enjoy every inch of him for years to come! It’s currently on sale for $56.91 at ScrewVideo.com and includes a bonus, autographed photo of Black Thunder. (Trump will no doubt have that taped to his cell wall.)
The Colt Anal Trainer Kit features three gradually sized butt plugs for intense anal exercises. All made out of soft rubber for a great feel and fit, these plugs have special flared bases that prevent the toys from going down too deep inside. Train yourself with joy and advance to new levels of pleasure. All you need is a good set of tools for it. The kit sells for just $22.06 at ScrewVideo.com.
Rumor has it, that although he tries hard to maintain a stoic appearance publicly, behind the scenes he’s a nervous wreck over the thought of being the first-ever FORMER President to do jail time. He’s so stressed out, in fact, he’s literally losing his mind AND his bowels. Our sources tell us he shits his pants so violently that he has to use a butt plug just to stop the flow, but then all that shit backs-up and begins coming out his mouth and his fingers in the form of more bullshit tweets, er, “truths”.
—TV
Contributor
Tony thinks his shit don’t stink. He acts like he’s rich and thinks he’s a gigolo, but he’s actually broke and a total loser. He writes articles for SCREW in exchange for the fancy byline and dinners and drinks and whatever other free shit we get.
