Gonorrhea has been referred to as “the clap” since as far back as the 1500s. Humans have always been embarrassed to talk about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) so we’ve been giving them cute, pet names since the very first gob of green goo discharged from the very first, dirty caveman penis thousands of years ago. Back then they called it, simply, “Ugh.” In fact, that’s where the term “ugh” originated.
It wasn’t until the 16th century that doctors started giving names to STDs. The only problem was (and still is!) the average dumbass either can’t pronounce them or spell them correctly (or both), so we give them names that are easier to say and spell (and often don’t sound as “bad”). Gonorrhea becomes “the clap”; syphilis is simply called “syph”; chlamydia is known as “the clam”; and more recently, HIV has become known as “Hi-Five”.
In most cases, the slang term for an STD is based off the actual name of the disease itself. For instance, “syph”, “the clam”, and “Hi-Five” are obviously all derived from their respective, medical terms. Gonorrhea, however, is an exception. It’s not called “the gon”. And it’s definitely not called “the rhea” since that was already claimed by diarrhea in the 14th century. So why then is it called “the clap”? Many theories exist. Here are the three most popular:
Clappencock
Some etymologists believe the term is based on the old-archaic English word “clappen” which means “beating or throbbing”. This makes sense because it describes actual symptoms of gonorrhea, like painful urination and swelling of the penis or vagina. Prior to gonorrhea being given its official name it may have simply been known by its symptoms. Or perhaps they called it “clappencock” or “clappentwat” or “clappen-” whatever their words for cock and twat were at the time.
The Rabbit’s Nest
Another theory suggests “the clap” is derived from the French word “clapier” which means “rabbit’s nest”. Why a rabbit’s nest? Because in the 1500s, “rabbit’s nest” was the slang term for a brothel and humans in a brothel fuck like rabbits just like rabbits fuck like rabbits. Often the result of a weekend bender at a brothel (or “clapier”) was a dose of “clapier bubo” which translates loosely to “the groin infection you caught at the brothel”.
I’m a Zit! Get It?
Yet another theory is that the term was coined in reference to the early treatment for gonorrhea in medieval times. For males, it involved clapping or smashing the penis as hard as you (or the doctor) could between both hands at the same time to force the infected pus to discharge out the urethra. It’s kind of like that scene in Animal House where Bluto (John Belushi) stuffs his mouth with food than smashes his cheeks, projecting food everywhere and exclaiming, “I’m a zit! Get it? A zit!”
More often than not, unfortunately, this treatment did more harm than good — it didn’t always get rid of the infection, and it could leave you with an even more painful, smashed dick.
A Final Theory
We may never know for sure which theory is correct. Perhaps all three contributed to the name of this horrible sexually transmitted disease we’ve all come to know and love as “the clap”. My own theory is that back in those days people were sexual hogs fucking everything and everyone that moved, gonorrhea was rampant everywhere and doctors made a fortune off treating it. Every time another patient walked in crying in pain with a swollen dick or a throbbing pussy the doctor immediately saw dollar signs (or pound signs or whatever money signs it was at the time) and jumped for joy like — “Oh goody-goody,” — clap, clap, clap! — “Got another one!”
—P.
Featured: Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Publisher
As a child my mother said to me, ‘If you grow up to be a soldier, you will become a general. If you grow up to be a monk, you will become the Pope.’ Instead, I grew up to be a degenerate, and now I’m publisher of SCREW.
