Contrary to the fact that life was so brutal and humans so barbaric way back when, they were quite eloquent when discussing their man- and lady-parts. “Out ye shall rock with thy Silent Flute exposed” — that’s how you “rocked out with your cock out” in 1720. Is it just me or did people sound much smarter 300 years ago? Perhaps they actually thought before they spoke back then. “And so I thrust my Cyprian Scepter upon the Altar of Venus…” – I mean come on, that’s just way classier than, “I hit that pussy”. Change my mind.
Check out these prehistoric slang terms for male and female genitalia from the past 600 years stolen from Green’s Dictionary of Slang by lexicographer and slang expert Jonathon Green. There’s so many good ones — all of them more elegant and sophisticated than the shitty slang words we have now. I love “Altar of Venus”. I think that’s my favorite for vagina. For penis, I can’t choose: Cyprian Sceptor, Generating Tool, or better yet, …Credentials.
Vagina (or Pussy, Snatch, Twat…)
Belle-chose (1386)
Altar of Venus (1584)
Netherlands (1591)
Placket-lace (1593)
Phoenix Nest (1618)
Nature’s Treasury (1635)
Contrapunctum (1653)
Privy-Counsel (1664)
Aphrodisiacal Tennis Court (1665)
Lady’s Low Toupee (1721)
Mount Pleasant (1748)
Petticoat Lane (1790)
Venerable Monosyllable (1796)
Fancy Article (1822)
Mrs. Fubbs’ Parlor (1823)
Antipodes (1832)
Thatched Cottage (1835)
Cyprian Fountain (1846)
Road to a Christening (1903)
Penis (or Cock, Dick, Schlong…)
Maypole (1621)
Pioneer of Nature (1653)
Master John Goodfellow (1653)
Generating Tool (1653)
Evesdropper (1653)
Cyprian Scepter (1653)
Don Cypriano (1653)
Matrimonial Peacemaker (1708)
Gentleman Usher (1719)
Rule of Three (1720)—this refers to the whole genital area.
Silent Flute (1720)
Arbor Vitae (1732)
Impudence (1783)
Staff of Life (1836)
Mr. Peaslin (1883)
Credentials (1895)
From now on, her pussy is a Cyprian Fountain (for real, it is) and my dick is Don Cypriano. What are your favorites? Do you know of any others to add to the list? Be sure to let us know in the comments below for your chance to win a free Official SCREW T-Shirt. Or don’t say anything and we’ll save the money for some top-notch contrapunctum from Mrs. Fubb’s Parlor.
—P.
Publisher
As a child my mother said to me, ‘If you grow up to be a soldier, you will become a general. If you grow up to be a monk, you will become the Pope.’ Instead, I grew up to be a degenerate, and now I’m publisher of SCREW.
