Texas Doesn’t Ban PornHub, PornHub Bans Texas.

***RANT WARNING***

Apparently, since Texas Governor Abbott can’t jerk-off because his dick don’t work, he doesn’t want anyone else in Texas jerking-off either. (Not that any of those state lawmakers can get their dicks hard.) Aylo, owner of PornHub, blocked access to their website in Texas today following a decision by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit to uphold the state’s controversial age verification law.

Just another reason not to move to Texas: your dick won’t get hard.

Sure, we all want to keep kids’ eyeballs away from porn — that’s something the adult industry and lawmakers will always agree on — but forcing people to jump through additional hoops to prove their identity by removing their anonymity and potentially putting their data and privacy at risk is not the way to do it. It’s not good for them, and it’s not good for business. (And adult content is, after all, a legitimate business like any other.)

It’s no different than alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, weed or guns. Yeah, you need to prove your age for all of those things but save for guns and weed (depending on where you are), everything else you can verify your age and make your purchase anonymously. Porn should be no different.

Surely, the lawmakers themselves don’t want their names added to lists of porn users. Do they? What happens when the next big data breach reveals that one Texas lawmaker who’s into trans triple-penetration, or that other one who’s into chicks peeing their diapers? Who’s getting sued?

Sure, you have to be 21 to buy booze or smokes, but once you’ve bought them, the vendor or venue is no longer liable for whatever the fuck you do with it, nor are the beer or tobacco companies. Likewise, you have to be at least 18 to setup an internet account. And whatever the fuck you do with it after is your business, too — your internet provider isn’t liable for whatever you look at.

Porn is no different than whiskey, cigarettes, gambling or guns in that respect. That computer in the living room — with the same access to porn as every other computer and internet-connected device in the country — is no different, no less or no more accessible than that row of liquor bottles on your mantle, the beer in your fridge, the guns on your wall or the cigarettes you hide in your desk drawer.

Yeah, it’s all there, but it’s in your house. If your kids get to it, then yeah, that’s your fucking problem you asshole. Hopefully, you teach your kids better. If not, you need to. You need to teach them the liquor is off-limits. As is the beer. And the gun. And the weed. And the pills. And the smokes. And the porn. It’s fucking Basic Parenting 101, or is that woke shit they don’t teach in Texas anymore?

Does the State of Texas have so little faith in ye that Gestapo lawmakers must police your kids, your house, and your shit, for you, all the while violating your own Constitutional rights — rights, mind you, from the same Constitution that protects those stupid guns you hold so dear? Do you even have kids?

Yeah sure, they can have your guns when they take them from your cold dead hands, but here, take my dick, please!

The fact that PornHub banned “The Lone Star State” is laughable. It’s like a fucking Walker, Texas Ranger Chuck Norris meme: “Texas doesn’t ban Pornhub, PornHub bans Texas.” Texans are the only ones losing out here. And ultimately the lawmakers themselves because they have terms — porn, however, isn’t going anywhere. We The People run the show, you fuckers.

Bottom line, PornHub is the venue, and its videos are the product, just as 7-11 is the venue and smokes and beer are their products. If you’re going to make the argument that PornHub requires stricter identity- and age verification, then perhaps every 12-pack of beer and every pack of cigarettes should require some sort of identity- and age verification built into it as well. Sounds ridiculous, right? Exactly.

The adult industry, however, has proposed a much better solution: verifying a user’s identity and age on their device which then either allows or denies access to age-restricted websites and materials based on that verification. It makes far more sense. It’s doable. And it’s affordable for all purveyors of smut. Think of it like that ignition interlock device they put on cars for people convicted of a DUI — they have to confirm their identity then blow into it before the car starts and then wherever they go with the car afterwards is their own fucking business.

But of course, accepting a well thought out, well-researched and far more effective device-based solution would mean agreeing with the adult industry on something and God forbid the Holier-than-thou, Bible-thumping Texas lawmakers ever do anything like that. That, and it’s still a matter of getting Big Tech onboard to develop a new standard — after all the porn industry has done for them, I would hope it’s a priority.

A day without porn is gonna be like that movie, “A Day Without a Mexican” but far worse — the whole world will stop, the economy will come to a screeching halt, markets will crash, balls will explode from blueness, millions will turn to the streets like zombies looking to get-off, hiring streetwalkers, contracting a deadly STD and spreading it around the globe. We’ll all die. This is the beginning of The Last of Us.

That’s my fucking $0.02, anyway.

—P