Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks!

True story…

It was early 1990-something. My friends Lenny, Tony and I used to meet up every night after work at Lenny’s mom’s house where we’d hang out in the basement, get really high and play SEGA until it was time to go home and go to bed so we could do it all over again the next night. It was customary to bring beers or drugs or food to share, so I’d stop by the little Arab-mart along the way and since I wasn’t much of a gamer and usually the odd-man out while my friends hogged the controllers, I’d grab a copy of Screw or a 3-for-$9.99 pack of porn mags to enjoy while awaiting my turn to play.



You have to remember, the early 90s was still a prehistoric, pre-internet and pre-cell phone world — and there was only two controllers. There was only so much you could do while waiting your turn to play. You could count the cockroaches, smoke more weed, eat, or look at porn. And I could only smoke and eat so much.

Besides, I love porn.

Porning The Old-Fashioned Way

Back then, porn was sold (and enjoyed) the old-fashioned way: in-print and on video; in magazines and on DVDs you bought (or in some cases rented) at seedy gas stations, adult stores or from the secret room behind the beads at the back of the local video store. It was a glorious time for porn. It was more physical. You actually held it in your hands — or at least in one hand, with your dick in the other. You felt like you got something for your money. You saved it. You cherished it. You stuck the pages together for future generations to un-stick.



It was also a glorious time for porn advertisements. The ads that appeared in porn mags in those days were the stuff of legend. They were fucking outrageous! Especially the ads in the gas station porn mags. They had no rules. Each one trying hard to out-do the next, all competing to steal your money. Whether it was the ad for the penis pump “guaranteed” to add 4 inches overnight, the one for the plastic pocket pussy that felt “like the real thing” or the ones for all the chicks selling their soiled panties, the ads were often as interesting and exciting as the actual porn photos and stories themselves.

Then came the DVD ads. Some offered value — 1,000 “scenes” for just $9.95 (plus shipping and handling). Others offered every fetish under the sun — grannies, Asian girls, MILFs, and so on. (I discovered more new fetishes from the back of porn magazines than anywhere else, including some I didn’t even know I had!) Still other ads went for sheer, shock value…

Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks

There was this one series of ads in particular — I don’t remember the studio (they’re probably long gone by now) — indigenous to the gas station porn mags that my friends and I always laughed about. It all began when one of us noticed an ad for “Girls Who Fuck Guys with Two Dicks”, featuring a girl on her knees, mouth open, with what appeared to be a guy holding his two cocks in her face. Photoshop wasn’t a thing yet but we were pretty certain it was fake, some kind of Hollywood Sci-Fi makeup studio prosthetic shit. But then again, we thought, maybe he’s some kind of freak of nature…



“Girls Who Fuck Guys With Two Dicks” was $29.95 (plus $5 shipping and handling) for a one-hour DVD — kind of a steep price, even by early 1990s standards.

But wait, there’s more!

As if girls fucking guys with two dicks wasn’t outrageous enough, the next ad featured “Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks” for “just” $49.95 (plus $7.95 shipping and handling) for the one-hour DVD — AND you got the two-dicks DVD as a bonus!



But wait! There’s STILL more…

Turn the page and there was yet another ad, this one promising “Girls Who Fuck Guys With FIVE Dicks!” — only $99.95 (plus $10 shipping and handling) for a one-hour DVD and you get both the two-dicks AND the three-dicks DVDs as bonuses. Holy shit — that’s three whole hours of girls fucking freaks with multiple penises for a hundred bucks!

But alas, we couldn’t afford a hundred bucks.

Oh, The Temptation

For months we’d been seeing these ads and talking and laughing about them, until finally one day, we decided we just couldn’t take it any longer and needed to see these videos. The most we could come up with between us, however, was only $60 so we decided to go half-way and order “Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks”. We figured guys with three dicks was plenty enough freakiness for the money.



Of course, you couldn’t just pick up a phone and order porn DVDs back then. Nor could you just go online and order them discreetly (and on sale) from ScrewVideo.com (shameless plug) like you can today. No, you had to physically fill out an order form, put it in an envelope, along with a check or money order, lick a stamp, and then mail it and wait …and wait …and wait.

I remember we were chomping at the bit waiting for our DVDs to come. And nothing. We waited so long we finally decided it was all a scam, but then one day, about 12 weeks later, out of the blue, a plain, manila envelope appeared in my mailbox. I opened it up to discover — much to my joy — two ordinary, blank DVD cases with ordinary, blank DVDs inside. They weren’t even labeled which was which.



I called my buddies, excited to let them know “Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks” had finally arrived. For us, it was like Super Bowl Sunday. We were so excited! We planned a big event. Beers, a 24-cut pizza, a big, fat bag of weed. We couldn’t wait.

So that night we gathered around the TV at Lenny’s house, high as fuck, popped in a DVD and sat back to watch what we hoped was going to be some of the wackiest, freakiest porn we’d ever seen…

The First Scene

The film started with a simple title sequence — “Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks” — it looked like that basic, digital title you did on your camcorder at the time. That was it, no stars’ names or anything, just the title. No music. It was pretty cheesy. But who cares, guys with three dicks…



The first scene opened with this woman sitting at a bar — kind of hot, but not in the glamorous pornstars-of-the-day way — and along comes this muscleneck-looking dude trying to pick her up. They start yapping, she plays hard-to-get and finally, he tells her he has three dicks. She doesn’t believe him, so he takes her by the hand and they leave.

It then cuts to the two of them walking to a bedroom where she inquires about his three dicks. He opens a drawer and pulls out THREE DICK-LOOKING DILDOS and says, “These are my THREE DICKS and I want you to fuck me in my ass with them.” She seems happy to oblige, so they strip off their clothes and start making-out.



Finally, it cuts to them naked on the bed, she lubes up the dick-looking dildos and proceeds to shove them — one at a time — into his asshole. He wiggles and squirms and lets out a few moans while she, albeit brutally, ass-fucks him with ALL THREE DICKS at the same time by holding one in each hand and the third one in her mouth. Meanwhile, as she “fucks him with three dicks”, he jerks-off his own dick, ultimately cumming all over himself. That’s it, roll the credits. (Oh wait, it was too low-budget to have credits.)

Wait—WHAT THE FUCK?

We just sat there watching, in awe, our mouths as agape as the guy’s asshole being fucked with “three dicks”. It was obvious we’d been taken for a ride, hustled out of $49.95 (plus $7.95 shipping and handling) by the word-play: Girls Who Fuck Guys With Three Dicks — ourselves, like him, fucked in the ass, by the unscrupulous, misleading porn advertising of the 90s. But at the same time, it was funny as fuck. (Good thing we were high.)

In “Hind”-sight

The twenty scenes that followed were more of the same. Same guy. Same girl. Same “three dicks”. (Hopefully they cleaned and disinfected them between scenes.) Different scenarios. The other DVD was twenty-five scenes, same guy, same girl, same scenarios, but with the girl fucking him with “just” two dicks — which isn’t as exciting after watching him get fucked with three. He was a cop in one scene and a doctor in another. In another one he was a priest and she was a nun. I guess this dude just liked to cosplay and have his old lady bang him in the ass on video. Nothing wrong with that. They were definitely making money doing it. (He was definitely earning it.)

So no, he wasn’t some freak of nature; he didn’t have three dicks actually, physically attached to himself (and looking back, no where in the ad did it claim he did). Instead, SHE was indeed a GIRL who FUCKED a GUY …WITH THREE DICKS. No fancy Hollywood make-up or prosthetics, just three dick-looking dildos in this guy’s ass, all at the same time, in and out and in and out. One could argue it’s not like we didn’t get what we paid for.



In the end, we blew $49.95 (plus $7.95 shipping and handling) on a sick, word-play joke, but it was worth a lifetime of laughs. Here it is thirty years later and we STILL crack jokes and laugh about it. That right there is PRICELESS. In hindsight, our only regret was not ordering “Girls Who Fuck Guys with FIVE Dicks!” because holy fuck, three looked painful enough, I cant imagine five. We often wonder though if that dude is still alive and thirty years later, what his rectum probably looks like. Did she completely destroy it? Is it prolapsed to the point it’s sagging to the floor, trailing behind him like a tail?

I’d love to see the sequel.

—P.

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