Five Fucked-Up Sex Laws Still On the Books

Evolution takes time. For humans it’s taken millions of years for us to evolve into our current, fine-ass selves. Laws are no different. A law passed today may not make any sense ten, twenty, or a hundred years from now. Like humans, the laws of the United States continue to evolve. Most laws are passed for what lawmakers believe is the public good, but others are passed because someone somewhere got a stick up their ass about something stupid like “boobie pillows” or dildos.

Here are five of them:

Guns, Not Dildos

A Texas statute known as the Obscene Device Law makes it a crime to possess “six or more obscene devices or identical or similar obscene articles.” What constitutes an “obscene device”? According to that law, it’s “a device including a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”

Apparently, the Great State of Texas believes that if you have six or more dildos, you have an intent to distribute them, as if they were baggies of meth: “A person who possesses six or more obscene devices or identical or similar obscene articles is presumed to possess them with intent to promote the same.”

You can, however, own as many guns as you want.

No Seduction or Debauchery

In Michigan, a 1931 law remains on the books that makes it a felony to “seduce and debauch” an unmarried woman: “Any man who shall seduce and debauch any unmarried woman shall be guilty of a felony, punishable by imprisonment in the state prison not more than 5 years or by fine of not more than 2,500 dollars; but no prosecution shall be commenced under this section after 1 year from the time of committing the offense.”

What, exactly, this means is unclear. It doesn’t really go into specifics. For instance, does this mean it’s OK to seduce and debauch a married woman? And what, exactly, is their idea of “debauchery”? Does that include doing lines of blow off each other’s genitals or doing shots of tequila from her gaping asshole? It’s quite vague.

Marrying Your Cousin

America remains split on whether or not it’s OK to marry your cousin. You’d think this was something that only happens in Red States like Alabama and Tennesse, but it’s just as legal in New York and California. In fact, it’s legal in 20 states, illegal in 25. In the remaining five, it gets complicated. In Utah, for instance, first cousins can get married so long as they’re over 55 and one of them can’t procreate. Or, they can wait until they’re both over 65, in which case they can marry without permission.

Don’t Touch Yourself

Speaking of Utah, in 2011 they passed a law broadening the definition of solicitation to include “any person who indicates through lewd acts, such as exposing or touching themselves, that they intend to exchange sex for money.” Also, you can no longer ask someone to expose themselves, as that shows an intent to offer money for sex.

The law was created to assist undercover law enforcement with busting hookers, but no concession is made for strippers, who touch themselves as part of their job. Lawmakers assure us, however, that strippers aren’t the target of the law. (For now, anyway.) But who the hell knew there were strippers in Utah to begin with? Are they Mormon?

Did you know that the “missionary” position was created by Mormons so they can have sex and watch for DCS at the same time?

No Boobie Pillows

Kern County, California has had enough of people selling “articles depicting female breasts”, especially stuffed objects known as “boobie pillows”. So much so that they passed a law making it illegal to sell or even display boobie pillows within 1,000 feet of a highway. Doing so will result in a $500 fine or 90 days in the Kern County lockup.

What the fuck is a boobie pillow?

Apparently, touching boobs helps lower stress and anxiety because humans have a natural, hormonal response to breasts. This company has created a pillow that simulates boobs. It actually looks quite comfy. Whether or not, this is the booby pillow Kern County is talking about, who knows, but it looks pretty fucking cool.

Do you know of any weird sex laws? Share them with SCREW readers in the comments below. That is, so long as you’re not in Haddon Township, New Jersey, where it is illegal to make flirty or sexy comments in public.

Hey, that makes six!


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