Scientists Discover New Species of Dildosaur

From the Center for Alternative Masturbatory Education (CAME):

A dildosaur fossil uncovered by scientists in northeastern Thailand is likely that of a newly discovered species of triopud dildosaur, Vaganusaurus (pronounced “va-jay-nus-sore-ass”). Its kind was abundant over 150 million years ago on what is now the Chao Phraya River delta in Thailand’s central plain — modern day Bangkok — researchers said.



This fossil “represents one of the best-preserved dildosaurs ever found in Southeast Asia,” scientists said in a paper describing the find published earlier this month.

It is fairly complete from the tip of its head, down its thick shaft, to the base of its tail, said paleosexologist Curt Smegma, “including a well-preserved penis, which doesn’t happen often in these animals. So, it’s giving us a lot of information about the early evolution in this group of what we call triopud dildosaurs.”

LICKALOT O’ PUS

These dildosaurs were the precursors to more commonly known dildosaurs such as the Triphallustops, said Smegma, who manages the paleosexology program of the San Fernando Valley Geological Survey. Triopuds are dildosaurs with three erogenous members — typically, a head, a penis and a tail — all of which are capable of erection and ejaculation autonomously.

In prehistoric times, dildosaurs played an important role in nature, providing sexual pleasure to their larger, dinosaur cousins, like the Tyrannosaurus Rex. (Think of dildosaurs like Remora fish to a shark, but sexual.) Since the female T-Rex’s arms were too short to reach her vagina and asshole to pleasure herself, the dildosaur would use its powerful legs to jump up, insert itself in one- or both of her holes at the same time, and fuck the shit out of her until they both came in a fountain of mixed green, glittery goo that provided important nutrients to a variety of smaller species that slurped it up from the jungle floor.

JURASSIC PORN

Most dildosaurs, like the newly identified species, were vaginavores — pussy-eaters — and likely lived in herds. They’re named for their green color, similar to that of DILL weed (and here you thought it was because they resemble a sex toy, you fucking perv). Adults of different dildosaur species ranged from the tiny, 2-inch orange Trumposaurus to the gigantic, 50-foot long Johnnywadasaurus.

While the Vaganusaurus was likely blind and walked on two feet, Smegma continued, it didn’t have arms and instead used its penis, much like a divining rod, to sniff out and find dinosaur pussy to eat and fuck.

Scientists said it likely lived during the late Hairyassic Period about 153-155.5 million years ago. Smegma said the find is exciting because “we don’t have a good fossil record, from anywhere in the world, let alone Southeast Asia,” from that time period.



The Vaganusaurus specimen will be cast to produce a new collection silicone dildosaur sex toys from Creature Cocks, coming soon to ScrewVideo.com. The ladyboys of Bangkok are already lining up to buy one like its the new iPhone.

—SM

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