Portrait of a Panty Poacher

(Or Why You Should Never Leave Your Laundry Unattended.)

We were sitting here trying to come up with a new story idea when — bleep! — we got a direct message on X (formerly known as Twitter) from a guy we’ll call Sam. Turns out Sam is big into women’s panties (because there’s men’s panties now, too) and wanted to know if we could direct him to some good panty content to beat-off to.

A conversation ensued and next thing you know Sam was spilling his guts about his panty fetish and his weird compulsion, or addiction, whatever you want to call it — the uncontrollable urge to steal women’s panties, jerk-off in them, and then return them to where he got them. Sounds gross, we know. Imagine putting your underwear on only to find out your genitals are rubbing against some 60-year-old perv’s jizz stains. Blecch.

Creamy panties…

Sam Comes Clean

Sam lives in a college town full of young, beautiful college girls, and spends a lot of time “washing clothes” at the local laundromat, lying in wait to prey on them. Well, not them, per se, but their undergarments. Because most people — especially busy college chicks — like to throw their laundry into a washer or dryer then leave to do other shit, or go outside and play on their phones, while it washes or dries, Sam has access to an unlimited supply of jerk-off material.

He waits around, usually in the morning, when the girls start pouring in with their baskets full of delicious dirty laundry. They’re usually in their flip flops, wearing pajamas or sweatpants, and often braless (because all their laundry is in their baskets). He watches and watches, fantasizing about each one until he sees an opportunity. That’s when his compulsion takes over, for which he says he has two “systems.”

and more creamy panties…

Sam Summons His Semen Demons

His first “system” is for stealing dirty laundry. He said he loves to “suck the juices” out of dirty panties and pantyhose and then rub the crotches on his dick as he jerks off so he can experience their wet pussies on his throbbing cock. “It’s like fucking them in real life,” he told us.

To steal dirty laundry, however, is the biggest challenge. He has to watch for the girls with more than one laundry basket and wait for them to leave to grab the next one. That’s when he slowly, nonchalantly strolls past their basket to eyeball what’s in it. If he sees a pair of panties or pantyhose within reach, he’ll grab them and head straight for the bathroom to jerk-off with them and fulfill his perverted fantasy.

Bad Bella’s panties

Later, after the girl leaves her clothes to wash, he’ll once again slowly, nonchalantly mosey over to their washer and (if it’s a top loader that unlocks) throw the jizz-covered undergarment into the wash. If they use the locking washers, he has to wait for them to come back and load the dryer, then he tosses the dirty bloomers into the dryer. His nasty ball juice then comingles across the girl’s entire wardrobe, which is the ultimate turn-on for him.

His second “system” is to steal clean (under)clothes from the dryers. After all the clothes have been washed and the girl loads the dryer, he waits for her to leave it unoccupied then opens it up, rifles through it to find something that appeals to him and then brings it to the bathroom to jerk-off with it. After he’s done, it goes back in the dryer, again, spreading his spunk across their entire wardrobe.

All panties aside…

Delusions of Gran-jizz

Sam estimates he jerks off into at least 4 to 6 pairs of panties or pantyhose each week, usually different girls but he does have a few “regulars” for whom he leaves their “weekly presents”. What’s even crazier is some of these girls outright ask him to watch their laundry for them while they run their errands or whatever totally oblivious to what he’s going to do. And of course Sam is happy to oblige.

He goes on to theorize that these regular girls have become “hormonally and subconsciously attracted to him by way of cum-transfusion.” In other words, their young bodies, with their raging hormones, secretly know what he’s doing and “need it.”

Yummy panty-toes!

Spreading His Sam-Seed

Sam’s been doing this for at least 20 years, with no signs of stopping (until he gets caught). Considering it’s a huge college town with thousands of new girls every semester, from all over the country, Sam’s seed has likely been spread to all fifty states. There’s no telling how many young college girls’ pussies Sam has smelled or tasted nor how many girls have unknowingly walked around with Sam-jizz rubbing on their twats all day. It’s a thought that turns Sam on even more; he actually had to end the conversation to go and jerk-off.

We suggested maybe buying soiled panties online from one of the many sites that sell them but Sam insisted it’s not the same and takes away all of the thrill. Besides, “you don’t know if you’re actually getting the panties of the girl in the photo or not,” he said.

“The way I do it, I get to pick and choose which girl I get to have today,” he continued, “it’s like an all-I-can-eat buffet of sweet, young pussy.”

Panty Thief Punished.

Unattended Consequences

Anyway, friends, this is why you should never leave your laundry unattended. Go in pairs. Leave one of you there. It’s not just girls. There are likely men out there who do this shit to other men, too, or both. There’s probably a Sam in every city. What if one of them has Herpes or Hepatitis? We’re not doctors so we don’t know if the heat of the dryer kills that shit or not, but regardless, it’s still fucking scary to think about.

As a species, we as men are fucking gross. Period. The end. Oh — speaking of periods, Sam told us finding a pair of “period panties” is like hitting the jackpot. Double-blecch. We hope for his sake he gets help soon. And for the sake of all the young girls he’s violated (and continues to violate) this way, we hope he gets caught soon. We’ve heard a lot of crazy shit over the years, but Sam’s story was one of the craziest.





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