Your Girlfriend’s Fucking Ugly — That’s Why Your Dick Don’t Work.

I would never (seriously) say anything like that (to people I like), but I will tell you my friendship is 100% organic — no added bullshit or sugar coating, no corn syrup, Red 40, FD&C Yellow #5, artificial flavors or preservatives. That said, read on…

Recently over a pint, my friend confided in me about his E.D. problem. (That stands for “Erectile Dysfunction, just FYI.) His doctor suggested Viagra, but he doesn’t want to take any medications and feels it’s unnatural. He tried various herbal supplements and nothing worked. I didn’t know what to tell him.

A little while later he was going through his phone to show me a photo of something, and I was like, “WAIT—who’s that?”

“Oh, that’s my girlfriend.”

“Eeeeek! Dude, there’s your problem, RIGHT THERE,” I stated, pointing at his relatively Plain Jane, non-bonerific-looking significant other, “Your girlfriend is fucking ugly, that’s why your dick don’t work.”

See, my friendship comes with a price — it’s called, brutal honesty. And it’s probably why I don’t have as many close friends as I used to have. I spent the first 3/4 of my life doing what most people do: telling people what I thought they wanted to hear.

Then one day I stopped and looked around at all my fucked up friends — all just as fucked up as I was, some worse — and I got to thinking, if I haven’t been totally honest with these people all these years, they probably haven’t been totally honest with me, either, and that’s (in large part) why my life is so fucked up, we tend to rely heavily on what other people say to us, and about us.

Upon that realization, I vowed, from there on out, to be totally honest with all of my friends and expect the same in return. It’s brutal, but it’s efficient. I’ve lost a lot of friends, but at the same time, consolidated a nice circle of stronger, solid friendships. It’s one thing to accept people being brutally honest with you, it’s another thing to find the guts to be brutally honest in return.

While what I wrote above was obviously entertaining, and was said lightheartedly in jest, my friend knew I was being totally honest with him. It became obvious to me he’s been skimming the bottom of the barrel because he’s been down on himself — his self esteem and confidence are at an all time low.

When we’re down on ourselves, just like when we’re broke, we often shop for what’s on sale and settle for whatever we can get.

When we’re feeling good, and self esteem and motivation are high, we tend to challenge ourselves and shop well above our means. We have the confidence that we’ll figure out how to pay for it, whatever it is.

There was but two solutions:

1) Get a new girlfriend (which is what you THINK I suggested, because you think I’m shallow like that) or

2) Before replacing her, surprise her with a beauty makeover (no girl will ever say no to that) — a new look, some new clothes, etc. — one that might make her more attractive and sexually appealing. This obviously comes at a cost, but he obviously likes her, and I would never suggest dumping a girl simply because she looks frumpy, especially if there’s an emotional and intellectual attachment. What kind of guy do you think I am? You’d be surprised how a little makeup and the right clothes can transform even the frumpiest of girls a to smokin’ hot attractive babe. I think it’s an investment — or gamble — worth taking, if he really likes her like that.

I know I kind of hurt his feelings, but then I expounded on it, “She’s workable though,” — admittedly you could tell she had a hot body hiding under all that homeliness and frumpiness — “I bet if you sexy her up some, your dick will stand up and notice.”

And so a discussion ensued about how we can make his fugly girlfriend hot and get his dick back to doing what it’s intended to do.

See, we all have certain looks we’re attracted to. I don’t care if you’re a Mormon or a total slut, there are people you’re attracted to. Certain looks that make every guy stand at attention and every girl damp …down there. I don’t care if you’re 20 or 90. There’s no shame in that.

Maybe it’s a dirty, dusty, shirtless six-packed construction worker dude or a handsome man in a business suit, or maybe it’s big hair, red lipstick, nylons and high heels, or the conservative librarian look. Whatever it is, YOU like it. Sure, you love your partner, too, so what’s the harm in trying to combine the two? If you’re committed to each other emotionally and intellectually, you should be committed sexually as well. It’s like a holy trinity.

Next, I suggested he do the same for himself. If he’s gonna make her look like a million bucks, and she’s willing to go along with it, he needs to do the same in return. He owes her that. Looking good automatically boosts your confidence level. Again, it’s making an investment into a healthier sex life, which in turn, is a healthier relationship overall.

“Dude, you could use a little work, too.”

Now we can argue about how this is all superficial but remember, we’re talking about a dude’s Erectile Dysfunction here. His heart’s in the right place, it’s his DICK that’s the problem.

If ultimately, a little makeup and some new clothes makes the sex life better, I promise you, everything else gets better, too. Will it solve his E.D. problem? Who knows. I’m willing to bet it will help. Let’s see what happens. I know if that was me, and my girlfriend looked like his, I’d be out buying her some sexy-ass fishnets and slutty get-ups that would, in turn, get ME up …and off.

That’s my $0.02 anyway. Don’t like it, fuck off.

— PP

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