St. Fructus: Patron Saint of Sugar Babies

Most people don’t know that St. Valentine had a cousin named St. Fructus (like fructose or sugar). Born in Segovia, he lived from 642 to 715 A.D. and was the Patron Saint of Sugar Babies. I swear to God…

Legend has it, he was giving this sugar baby money for years in exchange for her “company” and she led him on, telling him she loved him, making him believe she was going to leave her boyfriend for him, until finally they got caught.

So Fructus drew a line in the sand and gave her an ultimatum: she could either stay on his side with him or cross over the line to the other guy’s side. Riddled with guilt, she crossed the line to the other guy’s side, but the line quickly opened up into a huge crack in the earth — like The Great Pit of Carkoon — and the Almighty Sarlacc of Life swallowed up both her and her boyfriend where she spent the next 1,000 years of her life slowly digesting in poverty and misery never fulfilling her own dreams.

Fructus, though saddened, quickly found a replacement chick on Arrangements Thou Seeketh at half the cost with bigger tits and luscious lips o’ plenty who put-out every day instead of just twice a week and yeah, ok, I made most of that up.

— P.

Featured Image: St. Fructus of Segovia (and a girl with a dick in her mouth).

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