Why Did The Pharaoh Jack-Off Into the Nile?

Thousands of people gathered along the edge of the Nile River waiting for the Pharaoh to arrive. It was an important day, perhaps the most important day of the year; the day they gave thanks and paid tribute to the river for bringing them life and prosperity, the day of the great Fertility Festival.

The Nile River shaped the world of Ancient Egypt. It blessed the people with an abundant supply of food. It allowed for easy transportation and commerce between cities. It supplied water for drinking, not just for them, but for their animals as well, and for keeping clean. And it provided moisture and nutrients for crops since rainfall was almost non-existent in the area.

In good times, the Nile brought wealth and prosperity, but in drought, it brought famine and disease and death. It symbolized life itself.

That in mind, Ancient Egyptians did everything they could to prevent the river from drying up. One of their more fascinating approaches was the annual “Fertility Festival.”

The Fertility Festival

The Pharaoh arrived by palanquin, carried by four studly bearers, and followed by a harem of beautiful, young Egyptian girls dressed in their sexy, ceremonial garb. The crowd waved and cheered as he smiled and waved back at them like the Pope in his bubble car. It was the ancient equivalent of Elvis or The Beatles arriving for a concert in the 60s — some people even passed out from all the excitement. But unlike The Beatles, the Pharaoh wasn’t there to perform a song, he was there for a much bigger reason…

At the riverside, his harem ceremoniously helped him down from the palanquin. He stood and waved once again as the crowed moved-in closer around him. The anticipation grew. He threw up a hand to his left ear and leaned towards the crowd to the left and they went wild. Then he threw up a hand to his right ear and leaned towards the crowd to the right and they went even wilder. Then he pointed at the river in front of him, like Hulk Hogan getting ready to pile drive his opponent, and the roar of both crowds could be heard all the way to Damascus.

Then he dropped his robe...

The crowd stood in shock! His big, fat, uncut Pharaoh cock was already standing at attention. He was obviously just as excited as they were. And he was ready. (His harem had been edging him the whole way there.) He waded into the river up to his ankles and just started stroking it. The crowd began to fall silent, staring in awe, gasping with each stroke as the Pharaoh jacked himself off until finally — BLAM! — he let out a resounding moan — aaahhhhh! — and blew load after load of silky white Pharaoh spunk into the river.

The crowd rushed to the river’s edge to watch the godly goo float downstream until it disappeared. That was a good sign — the river was happy and healthy. It was now time for all the men in the crowd to do their part. They, too, stripped off their clothes, waded into the water and began jacking-off in unison. It was the largest circle jerk of its time; perhaps the greatest mass mutual-masturbation in the history of humankind. Load after load after load was blown into the river, each one following the Pharaoh’s great seed downstream.

The great Fertility Festival was complete. Everyone cheered, Hurray for another year of good health and prosperity!

Creation Porn

So why did the Pharaoh jack-off into the river? (No that’s not a joke.) Because of Atum — the Ancient Egyptian God of Creation. According to myth, before the world, there was Atum who created himself from nothingness and lived in solitude for eons until finally boredom and loneliness were too much to bear. On a whim one day, he used his divine powers to jerk-off and nut the twin Gods of Shu and Tefnut into existence. Ha ha, Tef-NUT! (Perhaps that’s where the term nutting comes from.)

In an interview for the ancient Pyramid Texts, Atum was quoted as saying, “I had union with my hand and embraced my shadow in a love and embrace; I poured my seed into my own mouth and I sent forth from myself issue in the form of the gods Shu and Tefnut.”

Damn, that’s kind of hot.

For those who don’t know, the god Shu and the goddess Tefnut represent the fundamentals of human existence. They were brother and sister who ultimately became husband and wife then fucked and gave birth to all of humankind. (They’re like the Adam and Eve of this story.) Atum’s ejaculation therefore was believed to be the source of all Creation.

I guess you could call his climax, The Big Bang.

Why wasn’t this in the History books? For obvious reasons. Moral values in early historians influenced the omission (not emission) of this version with the more conservative idea that Atum spat Shu and Tefnut into existence from his mouth rather than his Divine Dick.

Back to The Nile

Ancient Egyptians weren’t dumb. They built the Great Pyramids and even to this day we have no idea how the fuck they did it. They obviously knew the life-giving properties of semen and much like semen, the Nile River brought life and was thus, a symbol of creation and existence. It only made sense to jack-off into it, not just to give thanks and appease the gods by reenacting the story of Creation, but to jizz more life back into it. It was a great way to give back for all they had received.

So then, why did the Pharaoh jack-off into the Nile River?
To keep the water and life and health and wealth and prosperity coming, duh.

—P

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