妓女的艺术 — The Ancient Chinese Secrets of ‘The Art of Whore’

SCREW was recently on-location for a top-secret archaeological dig in Shanghai, China. Government and university archaeologists were excavating a site of an old brothel dating back to 200 BC along Nanjing Road East – also known as “Peoples Square”, or Shanghai’s Red Light District. Deep within the labyrinth of this Chinese whorehouse they made an incredible discovery stuffed within an old glory hole: a collection of five bamboo slip writings that contained an ancient text, the title of which they later discovered translated to, The Art of Whore.

Until now The Art of Whore was only a legend in Chinese culture. For thousands of years, generations of Chinese people talked about it, but no one ever really knew if it actually existed. Dating back to China’s little-known Whoring States Period (roughly 5th century BC), The Art of Whore, attributed to the ancient Chinese madam Chāng Fù Tzu (“Master Whore”), is composed of 20 Confucius-like idioms devoted to various aspects of prostitution. It’s said to be the original instruction book – or the sacred text – that created the world’s oldest profession.

We were lucky enough to be the first and only gweilo’s to ever see these ancient texts and luckily, we snuck in a camera to covertly photograph them after they un-stuck the pages, which appeared to have been cemented together with twenty-five centuries’ worth of petrified jizz. Chinese government agents were onto us though, and later confiscated our camera – but not before we saved them to flash drives which we smuggled out of the country shoved up our assholes!

Once we made it back stateside, we delivered the flash drive to an old friend, Dr. Richard Sawnut, Ph.D, a Harvard University expert in Chinese Studies who agreed to review and translate these ancient texts to English. And so after 2,500 years buried in the suckatorium of an ancient Chinese whorehouse in Shanghai, and three painstaking months of translation by Dr. Sawnut, SCREW is proud to bring you, The Art of Whore (妓女的艺术).

妓女的艺术 — The Scroll Marked I

直到妓女提到儿子,总是很有趣。
“It is always fun until whore mentions son.”

你必须把它交给盲人妓女
“You have to hand it to blind whore.”

怀孕的妓女管理不善
“Pregnant whore is poor management.”

孤儿是最好的妓女,喜欢找人打电话给爸爸
“Orphan makes best whore, likes to have someone to call daddy.”

妓女比毒贩更好,妓女洗净裂缝再卖掉
“Whore better than drug dealer, whore wash crack and sell it again.”

像画家一样,妓女的报酬很高
“Like painter, whore gets paid for good finish.”

像修女一样,妓女吞下主人
“Like nun, whore swallow host.”

僵尸最好的客户,总是留下小费
“Zombie best customer, always leaves tip.”

妓女的艺术 — The Scroll Marked II

麻风病人第二好,总是留下小费
“Leper second best customer, always leaves tip.”

没有胳膊或腿的妓女,现金和携带
“Whore with no arms or legs, cash and carry.”

性感内衣总是看起来最性感躺在地板上
“Sexy lingerie always look sexiest laying on floor.”

流鼻涕的妓女已满
“Whore with runny nose is full.”

如果没人来,颜射派对灾难
“Bukkake party disaster if no one come.”

所有妓女的客户都是双性恋的–他们先购买,然后进行性交易
“All whore’s clients bisexual – they buy, then get sexual.”

妓女从不卖卧室套,只有一个床头柜
“Whore never sell bedroom set, just one nightstand.”

怀孕的妓女,完全性交
“Pregnant whore, totally fucked.”

妓女的艺术 — The Scroll Marked III

穿裙子的妓女跑得比穿裤子的男子快
“Whore with skirt up run faster than man with pants down.”

器官上的郁金香胜过钢琴上的玫瑰
“Tulips on organ better than roses on piano.”

生活就像口交,一口舌让您陷入深渊
“Life is like oral sex, one slip of tongue puts you in deep shit.”

金钱性爱的成本低于免费性爱
“Sex for money cost less than sex for free.”

手淫敏感主题
“Masturbation touchy subject.”

口交性趣
“Oral sex matter of taste.”

在黑暗中找到老人,不难
“Finding old man in dark, not hard.”

陷入男人怀里的妓女很快就会沦为废墟
“Whore who sink in man’s arms, soon have arms in man’s sink.”

妓女的艺术 — The Scroll Marked IV

坐在法官大腿上的妓女光荣地出庭
“Whore who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.”

避孕套是给他妈的猫的
“Condoms are for fucking pussies.”

关怀妓女是谁他妈的一个妓女
“Caring whore is whore who gives a fuck.”

性爱收到的钱是暨
“Money received for sex is in cum.”

十分之九的人喜欢轮奸
“9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.”

亲吻使整天,肛门使洞无力
“Kiss make whole day, anal make hole weak.”

与老人做爱就像试图用绳子射击游泳池
“Sex with old man like trying to shoot pool with rope.”

鸽子是和平鸟,燕子是爱情鸟
“Dove is bird of peace, swallow is bird of love.”

妓女的艺术 — The Scroll Marked V

妓女的G点在梳妆台上
“Whore’s G-spot is on dresser.”

男人喜欢机器,有时需要好的螺丝来固定
“Man like machine, sometimes need good screw to fix.”

豆腐和假阳具都是肉的替代品
“Tofu and dildo both meat substitute.”

澳大利亚之吻就像法国之吻
“Australian Kiss like French Kiss but down under.”

胖钱包比胖公鸡好
“Fat wallet better than fat cock.”

年轻的妓女用凡士林,老的妓女用假牙胶
“Young whore use Vaseline, old whore use Poly-Grip.”

客户最大的幻想是妓女
“Customer’s biggest fantasy is virgin who’s a whore.”

客户不为性交妓女,而是在性交后付妓女
“Customer does not pay whore for sex, he pays whore to leave after sex.”

With Great Wisdom…

For over 2,500 years these clever idioms have been a part of normal, every day life in China, without anyone ever knowing their origins with Chāng Fù Tzu. This makes The Art of Whore one of the most significant discoveries in China’s history, far more important even, than their discovery that COVID-19 originated with the pangolin.

Take this new age-old, professional, sexual wisdom with you and always remember that with great wisdom comes great power, and with great power comes great sex, and with great sex cums great orgasm.

—P

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